inside to the outside

currently i have two blog entries that I am working on; both that mean so much to me and that I stand strongly by. one dealing with "suffering and healing" and the second dealing with " investing yourself in others"

I'm struggling to complete and post both of these entries because all the feelings and thoughts that I have inside are so hard to express on paper or by typing. nothing seems to suffice for all thats built up inside of me. and of course i'm stubborn and won't post them until i feel like i make my point, or that my feelings will come across to a reader.

all i want right now is to be able to express myself from the inside out. its very difficult.

If No One Will Listen

"If no one will listen, if you decide to speak. If no one is left standing after the bombs explode. If no one wants to look at you for what you really are, I will be here still"-Kelly Clarkson

I just recently heard this beautiful song by Kelly Clarkson called "If no one will listen". Not only was I moved by the beauty of the song, melody, and arrangment but it really made me think about what it means to truly listen and to truly care about a person.

As any of my close friends or even acquaintances could tell you I am often a very loud, outgoing, and fun person. However I do have a quieter and more reflective side to me than most would think. I don't have very many close friends at all. Infact I can hardly say that I even have three. I say this not because its a bad thing, more so that I do not invest my emotions and secrets into others easily. This being said, another reason for not having many close friends is that I am a very deep person and I enjoy serious conversation. I can speak for myself and I'm sure for others as well that sharing emotions, feelings, thoughts, and even faith can be very difficult as I mentioned above. However one thing I always hold strong to is that when someone is open with me or wants to carry out a discussion I invest every part of who I am into that person and conversation. This doesn't necessarily mean I'll share everything right away, but whatever is appropriate and whatever I truly feel, I will communicate.

We live in a world that is so filled with texing, computers, messaging, and everything is done and said through a screen. What happened to authentic converstions? Authentic relationships? And what happened to people being ready to listen when needed?

It is my focus right now to become a better listener. To invest every part of who I am into the conversations and daily interactions I have. This will hopefully make me a better person, a better listener, and a greater friend.

blue

i am blue:

i am beautiful

i am bright

i am smiling

and i am alive

i am the sea

i am alluring

i am the sky

and i am clear

i am blue:

i am sad

i am somber

i am crying

and i am confused

i am alone

i am disheartened

i am dull

and i am depressed

Battle

I am lying upstairs on my bedroom floor

Stomach pressed hard on the ground

Right cheek against the rough carpet, facing the wall

I come to my senses.

I feel and listen.

I am tired, infact exhausted is a better word.

I'm trying to find peace and order in my life.

I reflect on my emotions, my senses.

My right ear hears

the distant sound of the radio below

voices that i cannot make out, yet still seem to talk and yell at me

trying to break through the barrier of the floor

it will not succeed

My left ear hears

the wind blowing perfusely outside

the sound of rain falling against the pavement

and yet still hears the silence in my room

and the beating of my broken heart

I feel like two different worlds are pulling at me

neither one able to reach the inner most part of me

the part that needs some connection

to someone, something

A part of me feels

that the voices represent many people in my life

pushing to get in, but can't quite reach

A part of me feels

the rain thats pouring down and the angry wind

represent my inner struggle and the tears that flow down my face.

It is a battle,

raging loud, raging silence

right to left, left to right

trust

This is something that I wrote a few years back, and it happens to ring a lot of truth into how I'm feeling lately.

Trust is not strength, not integrity

Ability, nor faith

It is not the act of placing something in anothers hand,

Or even having confidence.

Trust is no gift, and doesn't bring happiness

For trust seems to always be broken

The ones you love kill it

And hearts always seem to die within it.

Trust is letting yourself get hurt,

Its exposure to the world,

Facing the reality of who you are,

Giving others the chance to break you

Trust seems to leave you frozen like ice

Stuck in your own pain

You only try to take a step

Then you're left with nothing to regain

Trust is not something that I,

I will ever let myself fall into again

For one to many times, its been broken,

And now I'm left with nothing.

Nothing but a heart with a million pieces,

Worth no ones time.

Just want you to know

Looking at your picture from when we first met.

You gave me a smile that I could never forget.

And nothing I could do could protect me from you that night

Wrapped around your finger, always on my mind.

The days would blend 'cause we stayed up all night.

Yeah, you and I were everything, everything to me

I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go

Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end.

I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me

But still I have to say I would do it all again

Just want you to know

All the doors are closing I'm tryin' to move ahead.

And deep inside I wish it's me instead

My dreams are empty from the day, the day you slipped away

Just want you to know

That since I lost you, I lost myself

No I can't fake it, there's no one else

I just want you to know.

-Backsteet Boys

leaving it all behind

Who needs a fresh start?

In life there is always a time for a fresh start. We all need forgivness. We have all done wrong. Sometimes starting new can be the hardest thing because it means recognizing you were wrong, making it right, asking for forgivness, and the hardest part: leaving it behind.

Why do I struggle with this so much? Knowing that this is best for my life, and yet it seems impossible for me to do. Not only do I leave behind my wrong doing and pain but I have to leave behind all the amazing memories that constantly reminisce in my mind. The ones that once brought me so much fulfillment, joy, love, and happiness. Why do these memories have to fade away in order to leave behind the darkness of my mistakes and the pain of reality? I do not know.

this is my struggle: leaving it all behind.