Winter Wonder Land

Winter Is Here! December is Here! And Christmas is right around the corner!

I must say that so many times I find myself upset that its so cold and that some days seem so grey and bitter. But this December and Christmas season I look outside and I can't help but be in absolute astonishment at the beauty that surrounds us. It's unbelievable.

Every day I become more aware of God's creation and the wonderful world that we live in. So often I take it for granted.

Have you ever taken the time to stop and look at a tree? Or what about the snow that falls ever so lightly and sits on its branches. To have the morning sun shine its light over us, spreading its beauty like the shadow of his wings. It's gorgeous, in fact it's breath taking.

I can't help but sit here in front of my computer, look out at my window, and just stare.

I am speechless. God is so good. He is so faithful. His creation is a testimony to how awesome he really is.

This winter I'm taking in every bit of beauty, Thanking God for his many blessings, and searching for him everywhere I can.

Merry Christmas!

Faith

This is the story of my life right now:

"Faith Isn't Faith Until It's All Your Holding On To"

I'm this close

everything is in arms reach.
i can feel you. i can breath you in.
i know your right there, your on every side of me.
i know you love me and im dying to reach out and touch you.
i want to hold on to you for life, never let go.
but the air around me is suffocating.
i cannot grab your hand or hold you
im held back by every other part of me
im pulled in all directions
and with every choice i make i hurt someone
you are in arms reach, but i just cant touch you.

its killing me and i dont know what to do

reach out for you?

stay right here?

hold on with everything I am?

save someones heart?

grab on and never let go?

or stay as I am

just reaching and breathing you in...torture

Psalm 23

Today I take every comfort and trust in this verse. For I need nothing more than Christ's love in my life.

¹ The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

² He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

³ he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

⁴ Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

⁶ Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

Light The Night

Tonight is Light the Night for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society of Canada. I have brought together a team called Faith, Hope and Love! We have 17 friends and family walking with us!

This is the second year I have participated and created a team for this event. With is comes great satisfaction and excitement as well as hardship and emotions. My mother Brenda Johnson was diagnosed August 27th, 2007 with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. The past two years have been quite the journey for our family. Through intense chemotherapy, nights in hospital, check-ups, tests, and hair loss my mother has been an absolute trooper. We are so proud of her.

Tonight we go out with hearts full of love and thankfulness for how far my mother and many others suffering with Cancer have come. I'm going to put a smile on my face, wipe the tears away, and continue to hope for a future where they find a cure.

Change

my mother told me the other day "Maryse, its okay to keep the past in your heart, but keep the wind in your face."

Right now I'm trying so hard to move on in life. To leave the past behind me so that I can be free of the chains that hold me back.

I'm holding on with the fiercest grip to the things that once brought me so much joy. I must accept that things have changed. The memories of my laughter and happiness now bring me to tears. It hurts me to just think. I feel trapped inside my mind.

I know I have an inner strength that is more powerful then I believe it to be. It's time that I find it and use it.

I need to find my faith again. Faith that there is more to life then my sorrow, and that there is a God who loves me and will give me a place to hide and find comfort.

I have learned over the past few days that I can overcome my struggle of moving on and that...

"In a world that is constantly changing, the only constant we have is God."

An Update

I thought that instead of writing out a poem, a song, or a paragraph of emotions I would just sit and reflex on my life, sharing whats going on and how I'm doing.

Today is Sunday. I feel relaxed on sundays. Besides church, they will often be filled with studying at home or at the coffee shop but none the less I like Sundays. Last week I started my fall semester of Nursing at Mount Royal University. I had a great week. For the most part I'm intrigued with the classes I'm taking and I'm excited for all the new challenges that are being thrown at me.

I already have quite the load of studying to do but I am focused and determined to do well and put in the effort. I made the decision last week to join the Triathlon team at the University. This starts up on tuesday morning and I'm really looking forward to it. I will be competeing in my first ever triathlon this coming April! I have lots of time to train and I'm sure I will enjoy it. My goal is to eventually raise money and do a triathlon for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society of Canada.

Other than university, teaching piano and voice, studying, and church my life is pretty normal. I'm really trying to make every effort to spend time just doing things that I love and that make me happy. I sometimes find myself so caught up in the busy life I live that I forget to have me time. So as I invest more of myself in school and studying I also want to invest my time and energy in playing piano, singing, running, walking my dog, being with friends, reading (not textbooks!), writing, and spending time with family.

The days and months ahead aren't going to be an easy ride. I am looking forward to it though because I know that in the end all the bumps, curves, hills, and valleys will only make me a stronger person and my hard work will pay off and bring me joy and satasfaction.

stuck falling

im sure everyone can say they have been in a situation where they don't have a clue what to do.

they feel like either way they will hurt someone, and inevitably they will be hurt themselves.
well im stuck in one of those.

i feel like im sitting on a fence trying to choose which side to fall on, knowing that either way i'll be broken and end up hurt.

its a battle that takes place on the inside of my heart and the core of my soul. it deals with happiness and joy, with peace of mind, and with love. i will hurt someone either way, but beyond that its my own heart that will end up broken. or maybe it already is and I don't know.

im stuck, im going to fall, and im afraid of how broken i'll be.

im hoping for the best but maybe hitting rock bottom might mean there is hope for something better.

only time will tell.

inside to the outside

currently i have two blog entries that I am working on; both that mean so much to me and that I stand strongly by. one dealing with "suffering and healing" and the second dealing with " investing yourself in others"

I'm struggling to complete and post both of these entries because all the feelings and thoughts that I have inside are so hard to express on paper or by typing. nothing seems to suffice for all thats built up inside of me. and of course i'm stubborn and won't post them until i feel like i make my point, or that my feelings will come across to a reader.

all i want right now is to be able to express myself from the inside out. its very difficult.

If No One Will Listen

"If no one will listen, if you decide to speak. If no one is left standing after the bombs explode. If no one wants to look at you for what you really are, I will be here still"-Kelly Clarkson

I just recently heard this beautiful song by Kelly Clarkson called "If no one will listen". Not only was I moved by the beauty of the song, melody, and arrangment but it really made me think about what it means to truly listen and to truly care about a person.

As any of my close friends or even acquaintances could tell you I am often a very loud, outgoing, and fun person. However I do have a quieter and more reflective side to me than most would think. I don't have very many close friends at all. Infact I can hardly say that I even have three. I say this not because its a bad thing, more so that I do not invest my emotions and secrets into others easily. This being said, another reason for not having many close friends is that I am a very deep person and I enjoy serious conversation. I can speak for myself and I'm sure for others as well that sharing emotions, feelings, thoughts, and even faith can be very difficult as I mentioned above. However one thing I always hold strong to is that when someone is open with me or wants to carry out a discussion I invest every part of who I am into that person and conversation. This doesn't necessarily mean I'll share everything right away, but whatever is appropriate and whatever I truly feel, I will communicate.

We live in a world that is so filled with texing, computers, messaging, and everything is done and said through a screen. What happened to authentic converstions? Authentic relationships? And what happened to people being ready to listen when needed?

It is my focus right now to become a better listener. To invest every part of who I am into the conversations and daily interactions I have. This will hopefully make me a better person, a better listener, and a greater friend.

blue

i am blue:

i am beautiful

i am bright

i am smiling

and i am alive

i am the sea

i am alluring

i am the sky

and i am clear

i am blue:

i am sad

i am somber

i am crying

and i am confused

i am alone

i am disheartened

i am dull

and i am depressed

Battle

I am lying upstairs on my bedroom floor

Stomach pressed hard on the ground

Right cheek against the rough carpet, facing the wall

I come to my senses.

I feel and listen.

I am tired, infact exhausted is a better word.

I'm trying to find peace and order in my life.

I reflect on my emotions, my senses.

My right ear hears

the distant sound of the radio below

voices that i cannot make out, yet still seem to talk and yell at me

trying to break through the barrier of the floor

it will not succeed

My left ear hears

the wind blowing perfusely outside

the sound of rain falling against the pavement

and yet still hears the silence in my room

and the beating of my broken heart

I feel like two different worlds are pulling at me

neither one able to reach the inner most part of me

the part that needs some connection

to someone, something

A part of me feels

that the voices represent many people in my life

pushing to get in, but can't quite reach

A part of me feels

the rain thats pouring down and the angry wind

represent my inner struggle and the tears that flow down my face.

It is a battle,

raging loud, raging silence

right to left, left to right

trust

This is something that I wrote a few years back, and it happens to ring a lot of truth into how I'm feeling lately.

Trust is not strength, not integrity

Ability, nor faith

It is not the act of placing something in anothers hand,

Or even having confidence.

Trust is no gift, and doesn't bring happiness

For trust seems to always be broken

The ones you love kill it

And hearts always seem to die within it.

Trust is letting yourself get hurt,

Its exposure to the world,

Facing the reality of who you are,

Giving others the chance to break you

Trust seems to leave you frozen like ice

Stuck in your own pain

You only try to take a step

Then you're left with nothing to regain

Trust is not something that I,

I will ever let myself fall into again

For one to many times, its been broken,

And now I'm left with nothing.

Nothing but a heart with a million pieces,

Worth no ones time.

Just want you to know

Looking at your picture from when we first met.

You gave me a smile that I could never forget.

And nothing I could do could protect me from you that night

Wrapped around your finger, always on my mind.

The days would blend 'cause we stayed up all night.

Yeah, you and I were everything, everything to me

I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go

Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end.

I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me

But still I have to say I would do it all again

Just want you to know

All the doors are closing I'm tryin' to move ahead.

And deep inside I wish it's me instead

My dreams are empty from the day, the day you slipped away

Just want you to know

That since I lost you, I lost myself

No I can't fake it, there's no one else

I just want you to know.

-Backsteet Boys

leaving it all behind

Who needs a fresh start?

In life there is always a time for a fresh start. We all need forgivness. We have all done wrong. Sometimes starting new can be the hardest thing because it means recognizing you were wrong, making it right, asking for forgivness, and the hardest part: leaving it behind.

Why do I struggle with this so much? Knowing that this is best for my life, and yet it seems impossible for me to do. Not only do I leave behind my wrong doing and pain but I have to leave behind all the amazing memories that constantly reminisce in my mind. The ones that once brought me so much fulfillment, joy, love, and happiness. Why do these memories have to fade away in order to leave behind the darkness of my mistakes and the pain of reality? I do not know.

this is my struggle: leaving it all behind.