My Mother

Jan 31st, 2010 5:00am

I realize I should be sleeping right now but it's a struggle. I think that the only way to get some things off my mind would be to try and express them. This blog entry is about my mother, my best friend.

This morning my mother left with my grandma to Phoenix,Arizona. They are gone for one month, which in the big picture isn't that long. I get to go visit my mother on Feb 16th which I'm looking forward to. Right now that seems like a lifetime away though. I miss her.

I remember when I was a young girl,I use to stand at the window in my living room waving to my mother in the car as she drove to work for the day or when she had to leave for a weekend. I hated those weekends. I have this special bond with my mother that no one seems to understand. I love her so much.

For some reason whenever my mother use to leave or go away for an extended period of time I would get quite upset when she first left. Here I am lying in bed feeling the same way I use to when tears would roll down my face as my mother was blowing me a kiss from the car as she drove away. But now it's like I'm a three year old or something dealing with "attachment" issues. ha (thought I needed some humor) But actually it's a struggle. Maybe this time it's a bit different since I'm 18 years old and I'm on my own for a month. Maybe it's because I know shes sick with cancer and it makes having her away so much more difficult, or maybe it's because she is my best friend and often the only person in the world who can look at me and know my heart.

I have been quiet lately, I have been down. I can't quite pinpoint why I feel the way I do. A part of me hates it because instead of speaking about it I just stay quiet. My mother knows me and she knows when I'm down. It pains her that I don't speak to her. Last night, our last dinner before she left I was feeling low. My mother stared at me with eyes of compassion and pain wishing that I would speak to her. There was nothing to speak about though because I didn't understand why I felt the way I did.

Anyway, I'm getting side tracked. I wanted to share something very special to me. My mother left this note on my desk about a month ago. It is something that she wrote many years back and never gave it to me until now. This is what she wrote:

"My Daughter

I know her by her love
Arms that pull me into her world and reassure me that I make a difference
In her life;
Eyes that light up when I enter the house at the end of my work day, at
The beginning of my most important job as a mother.
Special kisses at night: eyelashes, tips of our noses, cheeks and rosy lips meet
Together in silent and mutual expression of a bond that is everlasting.

I know her by her laugh
The deep pure laugh of delight
When she is amused. The sparkle of deep blue eyes and
The gentle teasing she has perfected.

I know her by her actions
Standing at the window as I drive away, throwing kisses to me
Her hand signals tell me "I love you" and form a lasting image for me.

I know my daughter and she knows me.
I am blessed.

Love,

Mom"

This note means more to me than I could ever express. Here I am crying in bed with my laptop in front of me because I know my mother and she knows me. A part of me would like to believe she understands my deep love for her, and a small part of me believes she will never know the influence and difference she has made in my life. She has shown me a human love like no other. I would like attempt to write a note to my mother one day to try and express how I feel. My hope is that it will touch her heart just as her note and many actions of love touch mine each day.

I will now close with saying a few things. One: this blog entry may make no sense to you but to me it's one of the most important things I will ever write. It's about a love and bond that has completely changed my life. Two: my mother is the most loving person I have ever met. There is a verse in 1 Corinthians 13 that speaks about what love is. My mother couldn't be any closer to living this out. Finally: I aspire to be the kind of mother my mom has been to me. If I become half the women she is today I will be happy and feel blessed.

Unspoken Feelings

Normally I'm pretty good at expressing my feelings to others if I need to or want to. Today however I felt as though I couldn't begin to explain what was on my heart. So instead I sat in front of the piano in sheer silence and darkness and began to play. This is what came to me. These lyrics aren't about literature or rhyming they are simply for the music alone. I couldn't seem to upload the recorded song anywhere but if you do not want to hear it I'll email it and you can follow along with the lyrics below.

When I think of you, I smile inside
I know your far away, but I still think of you every single day.

Pictures of you, make me remember the times we had
With you by my side, I feel alright, I know I promised not to cry

It's hard to understand, Why things have to be this way.
I miss you by my side every night and day
I'll try to accept, Even though it's hard.
But I want you know that I gave you my all.

I know your confused, As am I,
But can we still try?
The memories will not fade, don't hide away,
theres so much I want to say

It's hard to understand, Why things have to be this way.
I miss you by my side every night and day
I'll try to accept, Even though it's hard.
But I want you know that I gave you my all.

How did it turn out like this?
All these feelings we can not express?
Where do we go from here?
I can't let this go, it's my only fear (x2)

It's hard to understand, Why things have to be this way.
I miss you by my side every night and day
I'll try to accept, Even though it's hard.
But I want you know that I gave you my all.