truth in me

"In the search for me, I discovered truth. In the search for truth, I discovered love. In the search for love, I discovered God. And in God, I have found everything." - unknown author

so far apart

If I could wrap my head around,
why you won't hear me now,
you tend to break my heart.

Keep my eyes close long enough,
or maybe just wake up without a soul so fall apart

Everytime I pick you up, you find a way to fall
don't you know a conversation doesnt mean ignore me.

Like a father living as a ghost,
and like a lover leaving when you need the most
And like a son you love, but can't quite reach anymore.

If I could figure out what you want from me,
I'm always open, and you can come on in.
Give you room to breath in hope, that part of you that's so cold, we melted, we can be friends again.

Everytime I feel I'm getting closer, things get worse,
But I know how the story goes because you're not the first.

Like a father living as a ghost,
and like a lover leaving when you need the most
And like a son you love, but can't quite reach anymore.

And even though you're thinking you don't need me and you're missing out on everything you should know.
Like a daughter, I pray.
Like a lover, I wait.
and Like a mother I'll be here when you fall.

stars

"what do you see when you look at the stars?" he asked. she said "i see three things: something more, beauty, and God" he looked into her eyes and responded softly "that's what I see in you".

Dear friend, you may never read this or never know how thankful i am for you. but the Lord has blessed me because I know you. I was blind at first to the fact that God would show his love through you, or any person for that matter. But now I see, that through your eyes and through your heart I am that much closer and in love with my heavenly father. Thank you. Blessings over you and your amazing heart. With Love, Maryse

arms wide open

If anybody’s looking for love in all the wrong places,

If you’ve been searching for love, come to Me, come to Me,

Take up your cross, deny yourself, 
Forget your father’s house and run, run with Me
,
You were made for abandonment, wholeheartedness

You were made for someone greater, someone bigger, so follow Me

And You’ll come alive when you learn to die

My Exchanged Life

Another morning, Another day in this broken, fallen, and dark world. Another day facing trials, fighting temptation, fighting for truth while throwing out lies. "You're not good enough, You're useless, You're ugly, You're full of bloody scars, You're hopeless, you'll always fail, and you will never be happy." Another day on earth, pushing through depression, finding a smile, accepting confusion and accepting the mysteries of life.

I am so messed up and so is this world, yet you've called me to live in it and serve you. I don't know how to go on, I don't know what to say or do. So Lord, I give it all to you. Today in the brokenness, in the frustration, and in the desire to see you face to face I will focus on you no matter what and serve you wholeheartedly. In all the chaos may I live, move, and breath for you. I may not always want to be here but Lord I'll give you my heart, I'll worship and serve you. I realize that nothing in this world matters when I don't have you.

Galatians 2:20
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

It's time that I die, so I may live for you. Lord no longer I, but Christ in me. I can't live the perfect Christian life. I am broken and nothing without you. I am humbled by you Lord, You are so good and I desperately need you. I see how much I've fallen apart Lord, instead of me trying to figure it out and find favour by my own works I have decided to die to my flesh. Lord help me fully rely on you, it's only by your grace and nothing else that I can serve you. Thank you that every time I think I have it together you break me.

My identity is in you and you alone. I am a new creation in Christ, crucified with him, now living with him. My identity is not locked in my old self and sinful ways, for that has died and been buried. Colossians 3:1-4 "Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory."

Christ lives in me and I in him. I am a part of the heavenly realms and have access to the kingdom of God. I am a part of the royal family and am a princess, daughter of the King. Through my Saviour, Lover, Father, and Friend Jesus I am set free. In the Spirit I am free, free to move where it's winds blow me. I am white as snow and through him I am worthy to be used for his glory. Lord I abide in you, you are the vine and I am a branch. I only produce fruit in you. "Christ in me the hope of glory" Colossians 1:27

My value, perfection and holiness is not dependent on me and what I do for Christ, but it is dependent on Christ who is blameless, beautiful, and perfect in his fathers eyes. In you Lord I have these qualities and you see these things in me. I have your presence and power.

I'm walking my life with Jesus, as one. Christ is in me, the hope of glory.

This is my exchanged life.

farewell

much of my thoughts lately have gone to friendships in my life

the new
the old
and the fading

a friend lends a shoulder to cry on
an ear to listen
an eye to guide
and a heart to love

it's hard to let friendships go
ones that were once so colourful
but now are dawning grey

i try not to lie to myself, i feel alone
I've taken a different path
one that leads away from the past

i don't want to be pulled back
yet I'm afraid to run full force forward

i must make a decision,

move forward and take the risk of losing or stay still but live the life i've given up.

i know what i need to do, so

this is my declaration, my moment, my time to speak

and say

goodbye.

suffocating

hands tight around my neck
gasping for air
my heart is beating fast
i need an escape

desperately wanting help
i cry out, "someone save me"
i hear laughter.
i look up, he smirks

he raises a hand
my cheek begins to sting
tears roll down my face
he continues to laugh

I'm screaming, I'm breathing, I'm hardly holding on
My silent cries for help are fading as I fight.

he pushes, he yells
throws me against the wall
my head begins to throb
my world turns black...

"wake up, wake up"
i try to tell myself
"wake up, wake up"
but all i feel is pain

i look at the ground
but only see blood
i know that I'm hurt
but can't remember the play

pick me up, all the broken pieces
i just can't do it on my own

I'm screaming, I'm suffocating, I'm hardly holding on.
My silent cries for help are fading as I fight

I fight to survive, I fight to breath
I fight just to live through this memory, through the
pain that will never leave.

I don't understand what she feels and I don't know how to help.

She is barely breathing, hardly holding on
She says she wants to leave
Shes made the plan, knows exactly how it'd be done
Says we would all get over it

I want to scream, I want to shake
I want her to see what she means
I want her to see her beauty and worth.
I want her to feel happy.

She is cut deep, covered with scars
She is lost in darkness
Shes given up hope, thinking theres no more
Says theres nothing left to live for

I want to run with her, set her free
I want to see her smile
I want her to see her meaning and worth
I want to see her happy

If I knew how to help I would, I would save her from all the pain.
I would rescue her and hold her in my arms

Why can't I help her...I'm suppose to be strong. I know she has a purpose, I know life can bring joy. When I see her laugh it makes me want to reach out to her all the more. She tells herself she can't get out of it but I, I see a way, I know a way. Please follow me...please follow me.

crazy

hidden feelings
hidden fear
lonely, wounded, damaged, just full of tears.

can't fight the fight
when i know I'm bound to fail
can't let you go, i promised not to bail.

I'll keep holding on
I just don't want you hurt
I'm sorry for the confusion, I honestly feel like dirt.

I don't know where to go,
I don't know where to hide
I am bleeding deep,but the gap is far to wide.

I want to dry your tears
I want to feel your pain
But I know that in the end, there's just nothing to gain.

I'm sorry that it's starting
I know it just can't end
Until that day comes, I'll try and help you mend.

Love is is like a fire
It can burn you down to ash
The hardest part about this is it's all going to crash.

I want to feel you close
Deep underneath my skin,
I want to know your scars, but I swear I just can't win.

Maybe it's best I leave,
Just run far far away,
Then you won't see my eyes and how eager they are to stay.

hidden feelings
hidden fear
lonely, wounded, damaged, just full of tears.

Nothing

Nothing seems to satisfy my longing deep within,
Nothing seems to understand the emotions that I feel
Nothing will ever conquer the fears that I have
Nothing, Nothing, Nothing,
Nothing but you.

You are the one
Who saved my soul
And You are the one that I long for
You are the one that I thirst for
Come and give me rest.

You are unfailing.
You are truth.
You are all I need.

Obsession

What can I do with my obsession?
With the things I cannot see
Is there madness in my being?
Is it wind that blows the trees?
Sometimes you're further than the moon
Sometimes you're closer than my skin
And you surround me like a winter fog
You've come and burned me with a kiss

And my heart burns for you
And my heart burns

And I'm so filthy with my sin
I carry pride like a disease
You know I'm stubborn God and I'm longing
to be close
You burn me deeper than I know
I feel lonely without hope
I feel desperate without vision
You wrap around me like a winter coat
You come and free me like a bird

And my heart burns for you
And my heart burns for you

My Mother

Jan 31st, 2010 5:00am

I realize I should be sleeping right now but it's a struggle. I think that the only way to get some things off my mind would be to try and express them. This blog entry is about my mother, my best friend.

This morning my mother left with my grandma to Phoenix,Arizona. They are gone for one month, which in the big picture isn't that long. I get to go visit my mother on Feb 16th which I'm looking forward to. Right now that seems like a lifetime away though. I miss her.

I remember when I was a young girl,I use to stand at the window in my living room waving to my mother in the car as she drove to work for the day or when she had to leave for a weekend. I hated those weekends. I have this special bond with my mother that no one seems to understand. I love her so much.

For some reason whenever my mother use to leave or go away for an extended period of time I would get quite upset when she first left. Here I am lying in bed feeling the same way I use to when tears would roll down my face as my mother was blowing me a kiss from the car as she drove away. But now it's like I'm a three year old or something dealing with "attachment" issues. ha (thought I needed some humor) But actually it's a struggle. Maybe this time it's a bit different since I'm 18 years old and I'm on my own for a month. Maybe it's because I know shes sick with cancer and it makes having her away so much more difficult, or maybe it's because she is my best friend and often the only person in the world who can look at me and know my heart.

I have been quiet lately, I have been down. I can't quite pinpoint why I feel the way I do. A part of me hates it because instead of speaking about it I just stay quiet. My mother knows me and she knows when I'm down. It pains her that I don't speak to her. Last night, our last dinner before she left I was feeling low. My mother stared at me with eyes of compassion and pain wishing that I would speak to her. There was nothing to speak about though because I didn't understand why I felt the way I did.

Anyway, I'm getting side tracked. I wanted to share something very special to me. My mother left this note on my desk about a month ago. It is something that she wrote many years back and never gave it to me until now. This is what she wrote:

"My Daughter

I know her by her love
Arms that pull me into her world and reassure me that I make a difference
In her life;
Eyes that light up when I enter the house at the end of my work day, at
The beginning of my most important job as a mother.
Special kisses at night: eyelashes, tips of our noses, cheeks and rosy lips meet
Together in silent and mutual expression of a bond that is everlasting.

I know her by her laugh
The deep pure laugh of delight
When she is amused. The sparkle of deep blue eyes and
The gentle teasing she has perfected.

I know her by her actions
Standing at the window as I drive away, throwing kisses to me
Her hand signals tell me "I love you" and form a lasting image for me.

I know my daughter and she knows me.
I am blessed.

Love,

Mom"

This note means more to me than I could ever express. Here I am crying in bed with my laptop in front of me because I know my mother and she knows me. A part of me would like to believe she understands my deep love for her, and a small part of me believes she will never know the influence and difference she has made in my life. She has shown me a human love like no other. I would like attempt to write a note to my mother one day to try and express how I feel. My hope is that it will touch her heart just as her note and many actions of love touch mine each day.

I will now close with saying a few things. One: this blog entry may make no sense to you but to me it's one of the most important things I will ever write. It's about a love and bond that has completely changed my life. Two: my mother is the most loving person I have ever met. There is a verse in 1 Corinthians 13 that speaks about what love is. My mother couldn't be any closer to living this out. Finally: I aspire to be the kind of mother my mom has been to me. If I become half the women she is today I will be happy and feel blessed.

Unspoken Feelings

Normally I'm pretty good at expressing my feelings to others if I need to or want to. Today however I felt as though I couldn't begin to explain what was on my heart. So instead I sat in front of the piano in sheer silence and darkness and began to play. This is what came to me. These lyrics aren't about literature or rhyming they are simply for the music alone. I couldn't seem to upload the recorded song anywhere but if you do not want to hear it I'll email it and you can follow along with the lyrics below.

When I think of you, I smile inside
I know your far away, but I still think of you every single day.

Pictures of you, make me remember the times we had
With you by my side, I feel alright, I know I promised not to cry

It's hard to understand, Why things have to be this way.
I miss you by my side every night and day
I'll try to accept, Even though it's hard.
But I want you know that I gave you my all.

I know your confused, As am I,
But can we still try?
The memories will not fade, don't hide away,
theres so much I want to say

It's hard to understand, Why things have to be this way.
I miss you by my side every night and day
I'll try to accept, Even though it's hard.
But I want you know that I gave you my all.

How did it turn out like this?
All these feelings we can not express?
Where do we go from here?
I can't let this go, it's my only fear (x2)

It's hard to understand, Why things have to be this way.
I miss you by my side every night and day
I'll try to accept, Even though it's hard.
But I want you know that I gave you my all.